The Spider
by Abandon All Sanity
Summary: (Deadpool X Reader Oneshot) A certain creepy crawly pays a visit to Deadpool's apartment... and Deadpool's not the one who has to deal with it.


_This is incredibly rushed... and bad..._

If there is one word to describe Wade Wilson, it's: unpredictable.

Of course we all know that's one of his more... charming... attributes but do we know the extent of it?  
So, we hear the name Deadpool and immediately we think of a badass, 6'2, lovable and hilarious killing machine.  
The girls are all thinking... THAT is my kind of man. My manly man. (Back off bitches I found it first!)

However it's when something like the situation you're in now happens when you realize that there is no fucking middle ground with Wade fucking Wilson.

See, it all depends on the mood he's in when it happens.

You were sitting down on the couch in his apartment. A normal Saturday afternoon. HE was in the kitchen doing God knows what and you were watching the latest episode of Spongebob curled up in one of Wade's jackets. He always found that to be the cutest thing on the planet when you wandered around his place with his clothes on.

"Hey, senorita, I hope you like mexican food!" His voice calls from the kitchen, upbeat in tone and playful. You grin, about to respond before he speaks again, although to himself. "Of course I know that she likes it! See, this is why you guys don't have a girlfriend."

You stifle a giggle as he scoffs at the voices in his head defensively.

"Yeah, I do!" You laugh, turning back to the screen when a small "sweeeeet!" was heard from his general direction.  
So, this scenario seems all sweet and fluffy doesn't it? Give it a second.

In the corner of your eye you see something move to the right of you on the couch. You slowly glance down, reluctant to pull your eyes away from the screen. You frown a little and lean forward to push away a pillow resting on the armrest.

Then you let out the largest scream you've ever screamed in your life.

"WAAAAAADDDDDEEEE!"

Immediately you hear pots clatter to the ground and footsteps thumping towards the living room, the sound of a gun being cocked echoing through the apartment. He crashes into the room, looking every bit the unmerciful machine that he was made to be during Weapon X. His eyes scan the room for threats before relaxing slightly and landing on you.

"Are you kidding me? I almost shit myself thinking that I was going to find my girlfriend gone and I had wasted two hours of cooking for no fucking reason!" Wade throws his hands up into the air before pointing the handgun in his right hand at you accusingly, forgetting that he does indeed have a loaded firearm in his hand and that he isn't pointing his finger like he thinks he is.

After you don't reply, he follows your gaze and screeches femininely when he spots the object of your terror.

"Wade... get me away from it... kill it!" You hiss, shaking tremulously before the monster before you.

"Oh hell no! That is one big ass spider! What the f- like how?" He exclaims throwing his hands up in the air. "I've had it with these mother fucking spiders in my mother fucking apartment!"

He paused to laugh at his Samuel L Jackson reference, "yeah that was good right?"

"WADE!" you screech as the arachnid ambles three little movements towards you. Wade, in turn, lets out a small yelp.

"Nope. Nuh uh, honey. I love you, more than you know, but there is no way that I'm going to be able to save you this time. I mean, what, does Spidey feed these things? Steroid packed flies? I don't know!" The infamous Deadpool responds, backing away in correspondence with his words. Before you can muster a reply that surely would have come out as "IF I MAKE IT OUT ALIVE IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU!" the spider decides to jump. Yes. It jumped. Landing a millimetre next to your big toe.

That was it.

You leap as high as humanly possible and dive off the side of the couch, scrambling to your feet and screeching as you run to the kitchen. Your life flashes before your eyes as you open the cupboard under the sink and rip out the Mortein spray can. You hold it in the air victoriously before turning to return to the spider's lair. However, you don't make it a step as you are met with Wade's chest. You glare up at him and push him aside.

"That's my girl, be a brave warrior princess and fight! I'll be the... Mansel in Distress. Yes! Mansel in distress!" Deadpool yaps on from behind you, following your stiff form into the living area. You hold the spray can out, immediately locating the unsettled spider sitting on the floor beside the leg of the couch. You sprayed the entire contents of the aerosol, unleashing the poisonous fury of the can's contents onto the spider.

You made Wade sleep in the living room that night.

A few days later, after buying multitudes of Mortein, you and Wade have put aside your differences and are once again all cute and fluffy. He is laying on the couch with you on top of him, wrapped around him as you sleep on his chest like a koala bear would to it's tree. The Merc with a Mouth himself is drifting in and out of consciousness as he tells you of his latest adventures.

However, the peace doesn't last long when you spot a spider in the corner of the room. You don't screech or yell, you don't even alert Wade as to what you are doing when you peel yourself off of him and disappear to the kitchen. However when you return with a Mortein spray and he spots the aim of your weapon he begins to protest.

"Wait, babe! No, hold on!" He exclaims loudly, stumbling over himself to get to you. Unfortunately for him, you had already killed the spider and the familiar scent of the creepy crawly toxin assaults your nose.

You drop the can on the table and look at your boyfriend triumphantly. You hadn't even flinched. However, instead of seeing pride in his stance and a high five awaiting you, you see drooped and disappointed shoulders.  
"What?" You question, looking at your boyfriend quizzically.

"I wanted to do it! It's a man's job to kill the spiders!" He whines, crossing his arms. You try to ignore the sight of his arm muscles bulging and the way you found it incredible sexy.

"You undermined my masculinity babe. I would have taken care of it!" Wade shrieks a little, his pout clear through his mouth. You go up on your tippy toes, taking advantage of his leaned over form and peck him on his lips.  
"Shut up, Wade."


End file.
